Why I Quit Standup
by Walter Guest
For one thing I had this no talent partner. I used to tell him, "Can't you learn to juggle or spin plates or something?"
So he'd get all beligerent and say something like, "Why should I?"
So I'd tell him, "Well, so far we're just a couple of stiffs standing up there. Can't you see that's not working? You've gotta learn how to do something so they don't fire us again before our week is up."
So he says, "Why me? You're just as big a stiff as I am. Why don't you learn how to spin plates?"
See how dumb he was? So I tried to explain it to him real patient-like. "Cause I'm the good lookin' one. I'm supposed to stand up there and react to what you're doin'. But how can I react if you don't do nothin'?"
But he's too dumb to listen to me. Instead he starts a whole argument. "You're not the good lookin' one," he says. "I'm the good lookin' one."
"Are not," I says.
And that goes on for a while. See how childish he was?
So I started doing a single.
This one night I was working this club. The guy on ahead of me really sucked. The audience was giving him a lot of mercy laughs but he sucked big time.
So I get on and go into my routine and pretty soon the audience starts remembering how bad that guy was and they start booing him right in the middle of my act! And then they start throwing stuff! Get this, they're throwing stuff at him and they're hitting me! Can you believe it?
Anyway, I've got a great way to quiet down an audience. I've got this really big dick. I mean it's huge. All I gotta do is whip it out and wave it around a little and the audience shuts right up. Just my luck, this one night I forgot to bring it.
Anyway, that's why I quit stand-up.